Thursday, March 01, 2007
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Kurt Angle, one of the world's greatest competitors at WWE, has been released from his contract. Kurt did a lot for the wrestling business, he was an intensely vivid, brutal, devastating force in the WWE and he will be sorely missed. He quit because he was in a lot of pain and to spend time with his family.
Kurt's success in the ring did more than gain him mere wrestling titles and plaudits, it earned him the title of civil rights pioneer; you see, Kurt Angle showed every penis what they could do if they put their mind to it and ignored the barriers of bigotry to strive for a greater tomorrow.
Kurt was born as the penis of an Oregon farmer who was extremely bitter with life and would not allow people to come close to him, physically or emotionally. He lived his life plowing the fields and reaping the harvest, sunset to sundown, summer to winter, boy to man. He became more and more resentful of the fact that his penis had a personality; penis persecution was even more rife than it is today, a penis was to be seen and not heard. It was to perfrom simple tasks to the benefit of the rest of the body whilst receiving no recognition or reward.
Kurt would not settle for this though, and emancipated himself from the farmer's groin one summer's eve. An outcast, he tried his best to fit in, trying to be a good penis. He tried hair implants for some time, and won an Olympic gold medal for the good ol' U.S. of A. Kurt could not hide from his heart or the truth though; he was a penis, a walking, talking penis.
Kurt decided to join the WWE where he excelled, winning lots of matches, and showing the world what an angry penis could do. Revered for his uncomprimising ring style, many will be unaware of the community outreach work performed by Kurt with willys all over the nation, and indeed the world, who felt they were not worthy of a place in society. For every 1, 2, 3 count secured by Kurt you can be sure a dozen johnsons took a hold of their new lives as empowered dicks and were able to hold their head up high whilst lifting weights.
Now Kurt has put aside the tights to devote his life to the procurement and preservation of winkle rights. Andre's Mucky Tights salutes him, and all dicks alike.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Summer Slam; A Preview
Wrestling is a big soap opera. Story lines tick over, rise, swell, ripen in shows around the country till they eventually bloom and burst in a fantastical pay per view event which people will be talking about till the next money sapping show takes place. This evening is Summer Slam, and many around the globe will be digging deep into their pockets for the honour of witnessing a spectacle that will be the subject of many of bbq or pig greasing event over the coming months. Here, I'll take you through the match ups, give you some insight into the stories going on behind them, and try and predict a winner.
Match 1: Big Show vs Sabu. This is an ECW match up; and I don't know that much about ECW. There are 3 shows in WWE, RAW, Smackdown, and ECW. Each has a roster of wrestlers that stick to their own show. Each shows have good and bad guys, but an angel on Raw will go to hell and back to defend a Raw demon against anyone from Smackdown or ECW.
For a while, Smackdown and Raw were the only shows, then ECW came back in dramatic form. It's manager recruited some of Raw and Smackdown's superstars which was somewhat fractious. When the battle lines were drawn there was a big battle royale; one team from Raw (or SmackDown, I can't remember) against an ECW team. It looked like it had ended when two non ECW people were left....till Big Show tore off his shirt to reveal his allegiance with ECW and hurl the other dude over the ropes.
ECW stands for Extreme Championship Wrestling. Some call it Extreme Crappy Wrestling. Whatever, there's weapons.
What I DO know is that Big Show is one big Mo' Fo', standing at 7'1" tall and weighing about 500lbs, he's someone to contend with. His finishing move is a choke slam. His real name is Paul.
Sabu; I've seen him wrestle once; he's mental and intent on killing himself. His real name is Terry. More than that, I don't know.
Andre's Mucky Tights Prediction: You're gonna see Sabu, he's a killer whaaale...
Match 2: Rey Mysterio vs. Chavo Guerro. I posted on Notes about Eddie Guerro's sad passing. Rey was his best friend, Chavo his nephew. After he died, both were united in grief, as WWE did the graceful thing and took advantage out of a tragedy to attract fans. Rey got into a beef with Randy Orton (more on him later) who kept on insulting the memory of Eddie. Rey eventually beat Orton to win the title. He's very small compared to other wrestlers but much more dynamic.
Chavo turned on him in a recent bout which robbed him of his title. Eddie's widow has become embroiled in this story line, flinging herself in between the two pint sized grapplers in a desperate bid to stop the feud she feels would be causing her dead husband to turn in his grave...
Andre's Mucky Tights Prediction; Whoever the winner, dignity will be a desperate and dismal loser...
Match 3: Mick Foley v Rick Flair. Mick Foley is mental. He has gone by many names including Mankind. As Mankind his finishing move was to pull a sock from his pants, put it on his hand puppet stylee, and stick it down the throat of his opponent.
Rick Flair previously had a film career; he starred in The Graduate, Marathon Man, Rainman, Tootsie, Midnight Cowboy, and of course, Hook. Now he is supported by lots of fans who revel in his trademark yell, WOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Andre's Mucky Tights Prediction; Would you like me to pin you Mr Foley??
Match 4: Hulk Hogan v Randy Orton. Hulk. He needs no introduction. He has a moustache. He has a boa. He has a bandanna. He is orange. He has never commented on the rumours he was a freak umpalumpa, though he cannot say the word fudge -a - licous - mocca - toppa - woppa - wonga - longa without crying.
Randy Orton is the legend killer. He is trying to have sex with Hogan's daughter Brooke. He has mocked Hogan a LOT over the past few weeks. He even RKO'd him onto his own car. Both were recently at UVA to continue their feud and who knows what will happen at....SUMMER SLAM!!!!
Andre's Mucky Tights Prediction: I am a real American, fight against what I fear, fight for my mous-taaaaaacheeeee....
Match 5: D-Generation X v The McMahons. Jesus. I started writing this some time ago. Why did I write so much about the ECW shite? The McMahons own WWE. They are evil. D-Generation X have been whupping their ass recently, and recently covered them in shit.
Andre's Mucky Tights Prediction: This is like Sly Stallone in Rocky vs Sly Stallone in Copland.
Match 6: King Booker v Batista:Ok. Batista is not champion. He is actually a lobotomized grizzly bear who has been shaved. He will be champion. The good people of WWE love him.
Booker T is champion. He makes people bow to him since he won king of the ring. He is african american. He will not be champion.
Andre's Mucky Tights Prediction: Grizzly man all the way...
FINAL MATCH UP: Edge v John Cena:This is the big one, the big cahuna, the big burrito, the big...no-one's reading....Cena wants this bad, and keeps on saluting and looking intensely at Edge...he was champion but isn't anymore. He wants to change all that. It is quite obvious that Cena wants to kiss Edge. With tongues.
Andre's Mucky Tights Prediction; This blog will be very luck to live longer than 2 posts...
Well, that's all for now folks, nothing left to do but sit back and enjoy the fun....
Saturday, August 19, 2006
THRE...NO, He made it, he got his shoulder up!!! Andre the Giant was dead and BURIED, it was nighty night sweet prince time, they were ripping the posters from the walls, they were burning their t-shirts in the aisles, they were calling time on their mullets and requesting a short back and sides, but he made it, he beat the 1 2 3 count and just look at his face, LOOK AT HIS FACE!!!! And look at democracy now, it's SHIVERING in his almighty shadow...Christ alMIGHTY it looks like he's escaped from Mount Rushmore, donned tights, and sold his happy face along the way. Gentle Jesus..., just listen to these people...
Recently, Notes from the Muck had to do some spring cleaning. We did it democratically. We did it fairly. But somehow the process ended in something horrific happening; we lost the Andre the Giant and Jimmy Snuka picture above that was the whole reason Andre was there in the first place. I feel that Notes from the Muck should keep some kind of grip on this image, this person,and the way of life he chose. This blog aims to keep that link alive; there'll be pictures galore of Andre as well as his many chums, petitions to rival other, less worthy individuals and I'll also try and provide in depth analysis of all the latest WWE action and try and glean some wisdom from it in a special feature called One Tao Three.
It goes without saying that this is just a spin off from Notes from the Muck, and will probabaly continue to spin and spin before it eventually nestles in some part of cyberspace to gather dust, talking about its glory days to young people who come round to offer to do odd jobs around the place because they heard there was treasure buried at the bottom of the comments page before wandering out one day for milk and falling into the freezer reaching for a pepperoni pizza it thought the young people would like.
And best believe, it'll do it all with a handful of tights...